Saturday, March 18, 2006

Part II

The start of the Second Half

I noticed my thought processes making the switch to plan based chess, which has an amazing effect on your clock. Instead of looking for the “tactical” shot that brought down the house. I started focusing that energy into looking for plan continuations. Boy I thought I had found the secret ingredient to successful chess!

Now I’m playing the other 1700 in the tournament, the guy I lost to earlier in the first half. Not through any brilliance on his part but shear stupidity on mine.

Now this game starts out well, I’m up a pawn and his position is completely busted. He’s saddled with three pawn islands two of which are isolated pawns. I have targets and plans lining up for days. My current target is an over extended pawn that can’t be defended

by all of his pieces as it is on the opposite color of his remaining bishop. I become complacent, my only and final mistake of the game.

Sancho de Plans: Hey Tactics why don’t you take a break, grab some coffee we’ve got this covered!
Sancho de Tactics: You sure?
Sancho de Plans: Yes of course take a look at all of those juicy targets! Here’s the “plan” we stroll over and summarily execute that helpless e-pawn. Besides we’ll call you in to look his face right before we clip his wings. We are beating him at his own game. This positional grind stuff is fun! He can’t do squat besides sit there and squirm.
Sancho de Tactics: Well let me run some numbers.
Immediate checks? No.
Counterplay? No.
Forced sequences involving mate? No.
Everything looks cool and besides I really have to pee.
Don’t screw this up I will be right back.
Sancho de Plans: Don’t worry ya big baby. Besides look how our time advantage continues to steadily climb.
Sancho de Tactics: Ok, Ok enough whining take the helm.
Sancho de Plans: Sheesh! You think he’d show a little more gratitude, thanks to me we are kicking more booty than Jet Li!
Sancho de Relayer: Ok guys new move hot off the wire. It’s the anticipated Rook move!
Sancho de Plans: Cool! We expected this, no biggie just redirect our Knight and allow it to follow our current plan. Hey Relayer! What was the sequence Tactics ran through earlier?
Sancho de Relayer: You talking to me? Dude! Like I’m just a reporter, strictly non-combatant! If it wasn’t for this job I’d be a Canadian citizen and my checks would be of the hockey variety. See I have already memorized the anthem.
O Canada!
Our home and native land!
True patriot.
Sancho de Plans: Ok enough!! Go sit in the corner and keep quiet! Let’s see.
1. Checks? No!
2.Counterplay? No!
Um what was that third thing?
Now you’ve got me addled and thinking about hockey and beer.
Heck with it two out of three is close enough.
Send a message to Hand to move the Knight!
Sancho de Relayer: Dude! You can’t do that without Tactics approval!
Sancho de Plans: Dude!? Do you see Tactics?
Sancho de Relayer: Um, no.
Sancho de Plans: Of course not! Want to know why? I will tell you why!
Cause there’s a new Sheriff in town and his name is Reggie Hammond!
Sancho de Relayer: Bro’ calm down.
Sancho de Plans: Right now we ain’t brothers, we ain’t partners, and we ain’t friends,
and if this patzer gets away with our points you’re going to be sorry you ever met me!
Sancho de Relayer: Dude! You’ve lost it! I’m going to find Tactics! (Runs off)
Sancho de Plans: What a fuggin’ wuss! He’d get his butt kicked playing hockey.
Hand! This is Plans do you read me?
Hand: No need to shout, just because I’m a hand doesn’t mean I’m hard of hearing.
Sancho de Plans: Sorry my apologies. Could you please do me a favor and kindly move our Knight to the following coordinates? Ne4 to g3 please, please, please?
Hand: Hey what happened to Relayer?
Sancho de Plans: Um he’s taking a break, besides you know I have clearance to make request.
Hand: True, besides I have this whole conversation on tape and if this thing goes down in flames I’m blameless.
Sancho de Plans: Want a signed authorization too?
Hand: Nah’ smart azz!
Knight move sequence completed as ordered.
Anything else your majesty?
Sancho de Plans: No sir that will be all for now thank you.
Sancho de Tactics: Dude what did you do to Relayer?
Sancho de Plans: You mean CĂ©line Dion? I kind of snapped when he started on that whole non-combatant spiel.
That coupled with his singing of “O Canada” off key mind you pushed me right to the edge. But it was his refusal to help with your three basic Tactical rules that really did it.
Besides I will buy the pansy a Latte’ and he’ll calm down.
Sancho de Tactics: Let’s see...
1.Immediate Checks? No!
2. Counterplay? Uh-oh
3. Forced sequences involving mate? Holy Crap!! Dude you’ve screwed us!
Let’s hope this idiot doesn’t see it.
Sancho de Relayer: New move, h4!
Sancho de Tactics: grrrrrrrrr
Sancho de Plans: Dude calm down you know this guy loves to push a pawn.
Sancho de Tactics: Dude, I can side step the mate, but thanks to your hasty
decision making you have managed to activate pieces that even I didn’t know he had. Not only that but I will now have to jettison a Rook and a Bishop for zero compensation. Dude I’m going to have to file a Loss report with the big cheese.
Sancho de Plans: A report? You can’t be serious?
Sancho de Tactics: Well it’s either we come clean now in front of the man or we spend the rest of our lives in the witness relocation program. Besides you know how he operates. He’ll review the tapes and hand out stiffer fines if we delay. It’s best to go ahead and fess up. I feel like I’ve been kicked in the gut a few times, and a little lower more than once.
Sancho de Plans: I think I’m gonna hurl, (sniff).
Sancho de Tactics: Dude that a tear?
Sancho de Plans: Allergies man and don’t forget it!
Pass me the phone I will call the boss.
Sancho de Tactics: Dude you rock, way to suck it up!
Sancho de Plans: Boss, its Plans. Tactics informs me that we are lost.
Sancho Pawnza: (Silence)
Sancho de Plans: Boss?
Sancho Pawnza: Hold on, I’m pulling up the position as we speak and running it through Archives looking for cheapos or perps. (Pause) Listen to me very carefully. Tell Tactics I said to play on..., based on this guy’s facial expression if we can give him any more excitement he may have a stroke, or wet his pants. Besides you never win anything by resigning!
Sancho de Plans: Yes Sir!
Sancho Pawnza: Oh and Plans...
Sancho de Plans: Yes sir?
Sancho Pawnza: I want to see you and Tactics in my office as soon as this is over!
Remember to congratulate our opponent on his well played game, you know the rules.
Once the clock stops we return to being friends, besides you should be thanking him for teaching us a lesson about dropping our guard.
Sancho de Plans: Yes Sir!
Sancho Pawnza: and bring Relayer with you. We are all going to review this and make some adjustments to get this mess resolved ASAP!
Sancho de Plans: Yes Sir!
Immediately after the game Plans, Tactics, and Relayer enter Sancho Pawnza’s office and the door closes quietly behind them.

Stay Tuned for Part III


Unknown said...

Sounds like some one is gettin' ready to open a great big ole can of whoop ass. . .

Pawnsensei said...

ROFLMAO! Thanks for the laugh Sancho. I can't wait for part III.


funkyfantom said...

can't wait to play through the game!

YammyFZVI said...

LOL tell Sancho de Tactics to pee before the game next time!

Christopher M said...

Tactics only happen when plans get your pieces on good squares. If you are cramped up and your pieces are out of play, there are no possible tactics to help you.